Neuronal Misuse

WWTDD Allstar.

2008-01-25T15:08:00.001-08:00

I hope this isn't in bad taste. All in all, WWTDD has been pretty weak lately. Honestly, Britney Spears could magically transform into a unicorn covered in snakes in front of a thousand people and I wouldn't care at this point, or want to hear about it. Its tiresome. And I really don't like reading about Heath Ledger because I liked him as an actor and I think the whole situation is tragic. But, sometimes you just have to look at the big picture and comment about some things.

Commenting on the fact that the masseuse made 4 phone calls upon discovering Ledger's body, the first and third calls (I think) being to one of the Olsen twins, WWTDD says the following:

"Wolozin apparently worked for Olsen as well and knew the two were friends, but that still seems like a weird choice for a first call. In a time of crisis, a chain-smoking 65 pound white girl seems a pretty useless choice. A towel, a shoe, a dead pig, a cigar store Indian - all of these things would be of more use than a jittery bug-eyed skeleton, shaking and smoking in the corner. There's no chance that helps in any possible way."

A fantastic point and expertly written. I love that damn site. You had me at hello.

Source page from what I think is one ofthe top 5 sites on the Internet.

Oh you guys....

2008-01-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

Some of these are just hilarious. People reading this post are going to think that I am an Atheist or something, but that isn't true, I just can ignore logic and/or the blatant disregarding of logic.

The 100 Greatest Quotes from Fundamentalist Christian Chat Rooms

Some of them are so, SO good.

Just when Slate starts pissing me off...

2008-01-14T10:23:00.000-08:00

I have a love/hate relationship with Slate.com . On one hand, they write really off topic articles about things you wouldn't normally read about (see: an entire article dedicated to the best water gun HERE ) These prove to be fascinating and have me coming back for more time and time again. Lately, however, the website seems to be more and more dedicated to the Politcal forumn. This is fine, I suppose. They do write about intriguing, and often obscure, issues within this realm, but I often find myself lacking in the basic knowledge department of this area (something I also take issue with, the lack of a place to get unbiased general information about policies and general ideas of all candidates; sorry I'm not reading 4-6 books).

But just as I find myself trying to ween myself off of Slate in search of another outlet of intriguing and offtopic news and commentary (that isn't Fark.com), it draws me back in. Its not complicated but this article entertained me

W hy the Mafia Loves Garbage

Its just an explanation of something I have never really thought about. Also, it alerts you tot he fact that in Italy, supposedly 1 out of 5 businesses are controlled by the mafia, which is nuts. just thought this was cool. Enjoy.

Good stuff.

2007-12-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

I think that this is something that everyone should read. Its kind of long but it makes a lot of really good points.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sweet.

OWNED.

2007-12-07T00:21:00.001-08:00

I have never watched "The West Wing" but if this is the kind of shit that happens regularly then I really didn't know what I was missing. This is so great and the type of thing that needs to be done in reality more often.

Bible n00b.

Animals Rule.

2007-12-04T10:01:00.001-08:00

Too Super Cool For His Ticket - Watch more free videos

This is hilarious because its true. And it is also why people love dogs and other animals so much.

Hmmmmmm....

2007-11-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

I have no comment, but I dont post things that are shit. Keep that in mind.

Here we goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Don't be a douche, It's just a phone.

2007-11-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

I wish they would do this for all the pretentious bullshit Apple commercials. Get off your high horse Apple and stop putting songs in your commercials that no matter if they are good or bad you cant get them out of your head unless you blow it out...with a bullet. For shits sakes. What a load of crap.

The Real iPhone Flight Delay Ad - Watch more free videos

"Well lets hope it doesn't come to that..."

2007-11-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

This is just further proof that, most of the time, bleeping things out is actually funnier than saying the implied words. Arrested Development was a master of this and this video is another example of bleeping glory.

Count the FCC Violations - Watch more free videos

"I ______ the spiders on the waaaaaaalllllll."

JAPAN = SUCCESS

2007-11-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

This is so amazing.

Japanese Binocular Soccer - Watch more free videos

I think the kickoff is the best.

Good Work.

2007-11-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

Well done Hasbro. Well done.

Mashups = Success

2007-11-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

This is obvioiusly a mash-up of two different Internet Videos. The german kid is one of the scariest most pathetic/hilarious things I have ever seen and the Star Wars chick...well, for me to say that a video is one of, if not THE, funniest video I have ever seen on the Internet...well that is saying something. The combination works brilliantly. Here it is "Angry German Kid vs. Star Wars Chick" :

Angry German Kid Vs Star Wars Trumpeter - Watch more free videos

Best Skateboarding Accident EVER.

2007-11-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

Been a while since I rapped at 'cha. Haven't really had the anything that inspired me lately to post and I don't want to just post bullshit. The muses have been mum. But, something that makes me laugh this hard is just the ticket onto my personal internet hall of fame. So here you are, the best skateboarding accident I have ever seen.

Fucker won't embed so heres the link:

ASDFADSFALDFALDSJFALDFJALDSFJADSFLJ

Politcal Correctness < Old Comedy

2007-11-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

In a way, I kind of feel sorry for today's comedians. In all of their writings, routines, and jokes they must constantly keep in the back of their mind the thought of offending someone or some group. They must work within the parameters of politcally correct speech and ideas or else risk everything. This day in age, an entire career can be nearly ruined by a joke that is taken the wrong way or comment that misconstrued or not taken as a joke. To come up with NEW material that is still funny and edgy, yet still falls within these boundaries must be daunting at times. I long for a time when you people aren't so goddamn sensitive. When people can learn not to take themselves so seriously and can learn to take a joke. Humor, is needed in day to day life. Though I don't support using comedy as a medium to say and joke about whatever you want carte blanche, I do think that people need to take a joke. In a world where people can fear for their lives and groups make death threats over a newspaper CARTOON (heres looking at you Muslim Extremists, calm the fuck down) comedy obviously has to tread lightly. Even those comedians that tout themselves as edgy and irreverant still have boundaries. That is why I present this clip from the beginning of a fine film called "Blazing Saddles" Imagine this movie coming out now.

So, so good.

Nerds with free time.

2007-10-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

If you spend a considerable amount of time on the internet as I myself do, then maybe you also came across the video of Marie Osmond on Dancing with the Stars pass out after a performance. This was pretty funny in and of itself but apparently there is unedited footage that shows what really happened.

What Really Happened to Marie Osmond - Watch more free videos

This is one of the dumbest things I have ever laughed at. Not only is it ridiculous that I laughed at this, but it is even more ridiculous that someone took the time to make this video. And of all the things they could have done in this video with editing and such they choose to have what happen? Oh yeah, get shot in the face by a TIE fighter. Well done internet. Can't really make fun too much, they made the front page of Break.com which apparently awards $400. Time to get out the video camera.

FUCKIN SWEET

2007-10-25T15:40:00.002-07:00

This shit is awesome.

As soon as I was getting bored with the Addams Family, "This is Halloween" kicks in and had me hooked.

VIRAL

2007-10-25T15:32:00.001-07:00

I am pretty sure that the percentage of Internet phenomena that you recognize from this video is directly proportional to how awesome you are.

I win.

DUDE

2007-10-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like you aren't a man if you can't do this. Mastery and understanding of the nuances of the word "Dude" is something that should be ingrained in the male mind from an early age.

Bud Light Dude - Watch more free videos

Well done Budweiser.

Divine Intervention

2007-10-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

Call me a blasphemer. Call me a Believer. Whatever you wish. Just know that this may be some of the greatest evidence for God that I have ever heard of.

Miracles DO happen.

I probably should have done Vet Med.

2007-10-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

I didn't really have a lot of pets growing up (except for the shelled crusader, Todd), but I have always been an animal person. That being said I often find myself thinking about animals that would be awesome to have as pets. I was just going to make a list but I decided that some video evidence was also in order. This is non-comprehensive.

1) a Mini-Pig. Yes, you heard me right. That exists and I want one.

Mini-Pig

2) A Cheetah. This would be so fucking awesome.

3) A Polar Bear. I dont even think this thing is real, I think Disney made this up. And then it grows up to be a badass killing machine. Holy shit.

4) A Penguin. Jesus, do you see that little backpack. This might be one of the greatest things on the planet. Give.

5) A Raccoon. Duh.

6) A River Otter. When I woke up today, I did not think that at some point, I would be watching a video of an Otter dancing to the tune of "Hey Ya." Now you too, can have that privilege. So awesome.

7) A Seal. I would go to the pool everyday, plain and simple.

8) A Wallaby. Dear lord, its a miniature Kangaroo. Yes please.

9) A Fox. Foxes rule. End of story.

This is a work in progress. Expect a sequel to this list because animals rule so hard.

peace

Ok. Fine. Whatever.

2007-10-17T11:08:00.001-07:00

You know what, I don't even care how gay is sounds I am going to see the shit out of this movie.

AND THE WINNER IS...

2007-10-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

I am fairly certain that this is why the internet was invented. So that things like this could be spread to the masses. This girl's life must be great.

This blog is smokin' right now with activity

2007-10-11T11:11:00.002-07:00

This is one of the funniest SNL skits that I have ever seen.

"Freds got slacks on the boulevaaaaaaaard."

"WEEKENDS I go for the WEEKENDS"

I'm a nerd.

2007-10-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well here comes another epic fantasy kids movie along the same lines as Narnia and Harry Potter. I didn't read these books but hell, the movie looks like it could be pretty entertaining. You can call me a nerd. Thats fine with me. I can live with that. But if you have a problem with an armored Polar Bear battle then...well you are just a lame faggot and I'm pretty sure thats worse.

HEY LOOK! ITS THE WORST SONG AND MUSIC VIDEO EVER MADE!

2007-10-11T10:57:00.001-07:00

This is just...just so horrible and painful.

This sounds like it could be really awesome.

2007-10-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know much about the governing of professional sports and I don't pretend to. What I do know is that hockey is low on the totem pole when it comes to popularity in the United States. Who cares why this is, just do something to fix. Today I read an article on Slate.com that outlines a plan for hockey that models itself in part after European soccer leagues and it sounds pretty sweet. Shitty teams in the Premier league get bumped to a lower and non-premier league and the top teams from the lower league get bumped up into the premier league. Sounds pretty cool. The word relegation was thrown around. So here, read this article about a proposed plan for hockey. The whole thing sounds really interesting and cool and not a bad idea. Though I can't agree with him calling out Peoria in the article, I agree with most everything else he says. Enjoy.

NHL Overhaul.

Follow up.

2007-10-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

In response to some mouthy idiots at Mizzou objecting to the Booze News, and probably just running their mouths and making statements to get their name in an article, I went onto The Onion and found some articles. As I hope you fucking know, The Onion was first started by a couple of Juniors at the University of Wisconsin and set out to set the bar for modern satirical and humorous news reporting. This was in 1988. It is still released weekly. I went on the Onion online today and, given that I have been an Onion enthusiast for quite some time now, can honestly make the claim that I have read things in the Onion that are for more offensive, risque, and insensitive than anything I have ever read in the Booze News. Don't believe me? I thought you might not. Here fuckers. Here's some examples:

FATHERS DYING WISH A REAL HASSLE

SUICIDE NOTE MAKES CONVINCING CASE

INVESTIGATORS BLAME STUPIDITY IN AREA DEATH

DRUG USE DOWN AMONG UNCOOL KIDS

NEW MOMMY A LOT PRETTIER

Here is one tailor made for those mouthy little Booze News naysayers:

NEW STUDY FINDS COLLEGE BINGE DRINKING TO BE A BLAST

This one is just horrible. Yet, hilarious in its own right. Take a joke:

SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME LINKED TO BAD PARENTS WHO COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING

What do these all have in common? Well they are insensitive and not politically correct. Something that people are straight up obsessed with these days. Yet, to the intelligent people that read the Onion (and yes, as pretentious as it may sound, I have never met someone dumb who reads the Onion) it provides a nice break from the P.C. obsessed bullshit of everyday news coverage and daily life and allows you laugh uproariously at shit that you know the world doesn't think you should be laughing at. I love the Onion.

Onion All Star #43

2007-10-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

BRILLIANT

Favorite line: "Perhaps over the next 50 million years, humans will evolve a mechanism to prevent random discharges of saliva from hanging briefly from one's lower lip before pooling onto the crotch area of one's khakis, making it appear as though one has pissed oneself."

Coolest. Bird. Ever.

2007-10-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

There is no way that the shop owner can get mad at this little guy. I mean, who DOESN'T like Doritos? Stick around towards the end when the Scottish dude tries to interview the bird.

Glorious. Best part is after he gets the chips how he kind of quickly walks away like he knows hes in trouble.

Oh My God Just Shut The Fuck Up

2007-10-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you must be joking.

Please , please, please tell me this is a joke. Honestly, how lame can you get? There is just so much I could say here, but I have to be careful. First off, take a joke. Stop taking yourselves so damn seriously, its shameful. Yes, they talk about binge drinking and all kinds of other "risque" (huge emphasis on the "" there) material, but grow up and shut up. I hate you. This paper has been at Illinois for almost 4 years now with little problems other than my boy Logan getting pissed because they bash his bar Legends. I would like to point out and discuss a few of my favorite parts of the article:

1) "Several downtown business owners have thrown out the free paper, which has published seven issues, afraid of offending customer sensibilities. Even some campus fraternity houses deem the material too edgy for members."

- LOL. This honestly made me laugh out loud. What a bunch of pussies. I say it again, GROW UP. These guys must be real winners. Winners with va-jay-jays.

2)"For Missouri senior Kyle Ali, a Chicago native, such a scenario is troubling. As a peer educator who works to control drug and alcohol abuse, Ali said The Booze News sends the wrong message, humorous or not. 'This is a publication that clearly condones high-risk behavior,' he said. 'There's nothing that talks about alcohol poisoning, or drunk-driving.'"

-Ok. Kyle. You are right. There is nothing that talks about alcohol poisoning or drunk driving. But I would like to point out why. The reason why, is because the Booze News is not your fucking parents. You are a big boy now and everyone at college is old enough to make their own decisions. It is not the job of a goddamn humorous newspaper to babysit and educate people. It is their job to make you laugh. You want the Booze News to do kids' laundry and change their fucking diapers? Because if they aren't smart enough to know right from wrong at this point then they aren't going to learn it from a damn newspaper and chances are they will probably be the proud recipient of a Darwin Award and take themselves out of the gene pool on their own anways.

3) "The recent article about the adoptive gay couple -- a supposed book review in which the unidentified author looked solely at the cover of the children's book -- crossed the line from satire to threatening speech, said Ali."

-This Kyle kid is on fire. Notice the part that I have bolded. How does this cock sucker even pretend that the article is serious and not just a joke if the entire thing is based just on the cover. Holy fucking shit you are a moron. This kid better be a Journalism student because otherwise I think someone may be a little cranky that they didn't get to hang out with all their cool friends in Champaign where the paper originated (I-L-L baby).

In summation. Take a joke. Humor is needed. I am not even saying that I really enjoy or think the Booze News is really that hilarious myself, but I do think that they should have the opportunity to be funny. Personally, the Booze News turned kind of lame at U of I in the past year so I didnt really read it but they do strike gold every once in a while. Give the thing a chance and just laugh. Pretending like college kids don't binge drink, shack with eachother, and play drinking games doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It just means that you like to ignore it. Stop. Embrace it and control it. The Onion has hilariously written about offensive shit for years and they are brilliant. I'm stopping here because I am just going to start rambling.

LOL Little Kids Are So Dumb

2007-10-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

So, so happy that I found this on the internet after seeing it on AFV a couple years back.

Little Kid Cant Figure Out How To Drink - Watch more free videos

Oh God, Here We Go Again...

2007-10-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

At my job, I find myself scouring the interent for interesting stories day in and day out. In addition to doing my work I find myself with a lot of time to simply devote to expanding my knowledge of the world around me. I am not saying that all of these articles are worth reading or that they are even relevant to general world knowledge; sometimes they just catch me. As I read more and more I find myself becoming opinionated about more and more issues. The more I know, the more I think, and thus the more I can aruge about. Sometimes I come across a story that seems controversial and I immediately start to formulate an argument but then I stop and I think about it. Some issues and stories seem like they need not be argued but simply discussed. Leave the emotions out and simply present the facts and then go forward with a course of action after careful evaluation. That being said, I present this article:

Click Here

My immediate reaction was to get pissed off and bitch about how "the few are once again ruining it for the many" and "how can a country established on the principles of Democracy let the extreme minority make decisions?" This is misguided. In fact our country was indeed founded on Democracy but also on freedom of religion and tolerance. Tolerance, for others' views, for others' religions, and for others' lifestyles is something that I find our entire earth lacking these days and thus I suggest an alternate solution to the above problem.

The main point of the article is that a school in Illinois (shit) is going to stop calling their Christmas festival "Christmas" and instead call it "Winter Festival." Though I applaud their efforts at religious tolerance and indistintion, this is not the answer. Simply changing the name does not change the fact that you are celebrating the holiday. Everyone knows exactly what holiday you are mainly celebrating so drop the misguided charade in your feeble attempt to placate the vociferous minority. How about we take a different approach? Instead of simply renaming or taking away everything from these kids how about we give them everything? Open their eyes to all kinds of different cultures and traditions and steer clear of this new trend of finding the lowest common demoninator phrase to cover all the Holidays. Is it really necessary that instead of saying "Merry Christmas" we are forced to say "Happy Holidays"? Is it really that much more effort to say, "Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukka, and Happy Kwanza" if you are indeed worried about offending people? Does a generic "Seasons Greetings" really do anything more than place an unavoidble ambiguity on the phrase?

The worst part of the article that I link to above is that the entire situation is in repsonse to the taking down of Ramadan decortations. I link to the Wikipedia site for Ramadan because I imagine that many, like myself, know it to be an Islamic holiday, but were unsure as to what the holiday was about. I question why the Ramadan decorations were taken down. In a country that is supposedly founded on Religious freedom, why deny those who celebrate an unfamiliar holiday the joy of having their religion celebrated at the given time just as Christmas is? No, I find these school administrators and parents to be wholly misguided. Though Ramadan is a cyclical Holiday based on the Lunar Calendar and thus cannot be given a specific date, I find no reason why this time of the year should not be celebrated and explored if there are those interested and who follow the tradition.

This brings me to my main point. Instead of simply giving the students an indistinct "Winter Festival," why don't you make the effort to educate and enlightent the kids to all sorts of different kinds of celebrations and holidays. Devote part of a day or an entire day during Ramadan to explaining the Holiday and its traditions. Enlighten the kids to the Islamic world. Engender tolerance and understanding. Then, during the Winter months, spend a few days each devoted to a different Winter holiday. Some time devoted equally to Christmas, Hanukka, and Kwanza. Why not? What bad can come from at least LEARNING about the traditions underlying different faiths. Simply teaching is not asking children to convert (though there are those unreasonable folk that I am sure would make this claim). Shoot, during Halloween explain how the basis for Halloween is a pagan tradition from the British Isles and then also explain its Asian counterpart, the Ghost Festival. My point is, making every celebration nonspecific and generic will do no good in fostering a society of acceptance. In fact, I believe the more you isolate children from the realities, forcing them to stay ignorant of other celebrations, you do more harm than good, if there is any good to be done. Education in our schools should be more than stories and numbers but should also provide an environment where a child is exposed and taught about all manner of things, even if it happens to be related to a religion different than the one their parent forced upon them.

YOU GUYS BETTER WATCH THE FUCK OUT

2007-09-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

If you have been reading the news lately, then you have probably read at least a tidbit about the buddhist monks that have been protesting in Burma. Thousands of monks have gathered to peacefully demonstrate in opposition to the ruling regime. Recently, amid requests by the government to halt or cut back these demonstrations, some of these peaceful demonstrations have, surprise surprise, ended in violence. For more info read:

Here

and

Here

Which brings me to my point. The photo above looks like something straight out of an awesome kung fu movie. I can only imagine that, following this picture being taken, the monk was forced to take them all out...in the name of peace. I mean thus far, these monks have been peaceful, but what I don't think the government realizes, is that (as I like to believe) every single monk can do this:

Holy fucking shit did you just see that? How the fuck are they doing that shit, that shit is nuts. This government better watch the fuck out because this monks will straight fuck you up. I am really glad that these monks hold peace as a primary virtue because otherwise we would all be fucked. Christ did you see those chains? Good lord. Also I am pretty sure they can summon dragons and that crazy buddhist chick with like 25 arms. Monks are awesome.

SWORDS WILL FUCKING CUT YOU WIDE OPEN

2007-09-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

So very very good.

#1

#2

#3

This is the kind of thing I laugh at.

2007-09-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

Towards the beginning, when Luke shakes his head...priceless.

WWTDD All Star #234

2007-09-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

On Kim Kardashian being in Playboy

Once again proving his simple brilliance, he states:

"Is this really progress? We've already seen her slapped around by some dudes dork for 60 minutes, who cares about one boob and her giant ass? Aren't we going backwards? Maybe next she can pose for Penthouse in a suit of armor, and then FHM, but instead of showing her, they’ll just show a map of Texas or maybe that guy at the Olympics doing the black power salute."

Sometimes I wish this website were a drug that Icouldinject directly into my brain and then just laugh for like an hour straight.

"So what part of the Bible..."

2007-09-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

Chris Hansen must love his job. He just straight owns people.

CRANK DAT SOULJA BOY

2007-09-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

This is simply AMAZING. Superman dat hoe.

The Internet is a Series of Tubes

2007-09-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

From time to time someone will come across a video, a collection of pictures, text, or whatever that illustrates what people thought the future was going to be like. Recently I came across a series of pictures that were made in France in 1901 and depicted what the future would look like and they were pretty hilarious. I wish I could find it but my internet wanderings are far to vast to trace my steps back. Which brings me to my current item of interest. The video presented next is a video made in 1969 and it depicts what the internet will be like in 30 years, as in 1999. Now, I don't blame them for their ignorance because how could they know how the damn internet was going to take off, but I can still laugh because their predictions were so...I want to say closeminded but I think that I'll say boring instead. Every prediction they make is 100% possible with todays technology and can be done with the shittiest of computers. People really had no idea.

My point is...

This is what they thought they internet was going to be used for:

And this is what the internet is ACTUALLY used for today. Posting things like this:

ADVANTAGE=========> THE FUTURE!

WHAT I HAVE JUST DONE IS GOOD.

2007-09-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

This took me a while but I am very pleased with it. Hopefully everything turns out ok. Here it is, a list (not comprehensive for I am sure I have forgotten some) of my favorite movie scores. Good shit.

MOVIES

Crimson tide

-alright so the video isn’t from the movie but the music is, and you gotta admit, this Russian military video is kind of cool. Every other damn video was Alabama football.

Gladiator

-this music will always hold a special band nerd place in my heart.

Star wars

-Come on, like this wasn’t going to make the list.

Ok, this one gets two. Sorry.

Indiana Jones

-if you don’t like these movies then…I really don’t know what to tell you.

Pirates of the Caribbean

-Yo Ho.

Ugh. I just can’t help it. Another.

LOTR

-I don’t think they allow you make movies like this unless you have a sweet soundtrack.

Back to the Future

-Boza is the only person in the world who doesn’t like these movies.

Pans Labyrinth

-possible spoilers in the video but if you haven’t seen the movie by now then I don’t feel sorry for you

American Beauty

-I think songs like this are the reason why the word “haunting” was invented

Dragonheart

-I don’t really care if you liked the movie, this song has graced countless movie previews since and how can you hate anything where Sean Connery is involved. At about 1:57 you’ll recognize it.

Jurassic Park

-Hoooooly fuuuuucking shit, it’s a Diiiiiiinosaur. Inside joke, sorry.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

- also a favorite of movie previews and a cool movie to boot

Last of the Mohicans

-I pretty much had to learn to like this or go insane freshman year because Logan is incapable of turning off a DVD or staying awake while watching one. Bonus pictures of truck stop t-shirts for the video. Really sweet part beginning at 3:20.

The Last Samurai

-not even Tom Cruise and his bat-shit crazy Scientology could stop this movie from being cool.

Hook

-this one will probably take you back. I wish I could IMAGINE food into existence.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

-This is Halloween.

Braveheart

-You have to like this movie. That’s all there is to it.

Forrest Gump

-If I had to watch one movie and only one movie every day for the rest of my life, I could make a strong case that Forrest Gump might be it. This movie is simply amazing.

The Boondock Saints

-I am pretty sure this song is responsible for me blacking out on every Unofficial St. Patrick’s day. This and Dropkick.

King Kong

-I think I like this movie way more than anyone else. I don’t know what it is, this movie just has an effect on me.

BONUSES (not really scores, morel ike soundtracks but they couldn’t be left out)

Kill Bill

-I think that without the music the movie would only be half as good, which still puts it above most other movies.

And this

O’ Brother Where Art Thou?

-so great.

And this

Awe hell, one more won’t hurt

FILM DRUNK ALL STAR : 1

2007-09-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

WWTDD now has a sister site, or brother site, or whatever the hell you want to call it called FilmDrunk. This site, though not having proven itself yet to be as fantastic as wwtdd, is heading down the road to greatness. I like to highlight some of my favorite articles and posts from these sites as a way not only to spread the word and share them, but also to remember them myself. Therefore I will be doing these All Star posts of my favorites.

On the upcoming new Street Fighter movie: Here

Why this is great:

"I'm all for another Street Fighter movie, if only to remind today's actors of the tragic case of Raul Julia. Raul Julia was a fine actor with a respectable career. Then he took a paycheck, did Street Fighter with Jean Claude Van Damme, and died suddenly right after it came out. And then they dedicated the goddamn movie to his memory. Street Fighter. Dedicated to his memory. They might as well have had an open casket and invited people to take dumps on his corpse. You want that to be you, William H. Macy? A steady diet of cocaine and corn dogs and one more Wild Hogs is all it takes. "

Love it.

LOL

2007-09-05T07:13:00.001-07:00

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

OH NOES!!!!!111

2007-09-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well this makes you feel good.

If this is what post WWII communist paranoia and the Cold War was like, I am kind of glad that during my time alive during the Cold War the only thing I was worried about was when I was getting fed and the fact that I had just shit my pants. This shit is some seriously scary crap.

YOU CAN THANK ME LATER

2007-08-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Anyone who denies that this is awesome can suck it. I didn't compile this but its still sweet. Some of these give me chills. Vive Music.
25-18

17-14

13-10

9-5

4-1

WE ARE SO FUCKED

2007-08-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

CONGRATULATIONS CURRENT GENERATION OF PARENTS, YOU SUCK

Once again, I find myself being brought to this blog not as a place to compile lists as was originally intended, but rather to rant and rave about dumb shit that pisses me off. If you felt inclined (as I hope you did) to check out the brief article that is featured above, I can only hope that you find yourself in a deep state of fear and anger, as I found myself. The anger is understandable, it is just ridiculous, tag is one of the most simple and innocent games EVER and it is absolutely appalling that they would think or deem it necessary to ban such a thing. The fear may confuse or surprise people but hear me out. There are two things that scare me about the fact that a school would ban tag:

1) The reason for the ban was that students were coming home and complaining about being harassed and bothered etc. This means one of two things.

First, it could mean that the current generation of parents are raising children that are so weak minded and feeble that they aren't even able to stand up for themselves or assert themselves on the playground amongst their peers. These kids have been so coddled and babied that they have no mid of their own, and simply run to their parents to have them solve everything for them. When I was little, if you didn't want to play a particular game you simply told them so and held your ground. Tag isn't much fun if you tag someone that doesn't want to play and they just stand there. Hardly a situation to run home to mom about.

Second-of-ly, It could also imply that the children are so sedentary, that they are unwilling to even play a game at recess. This may be a stretch and it assumes a lot of things in making this claim, but if you have seen what I have seen out of the current generation of young kids, then you may be inclined to agree. I, of course, refer to the increasing prevalence of inactivity among kids. Parents tend to use the television and videogames as a babysitter and thus the kids don't learn how to simply entertain themselves and PLAY. Now anyone who knows me will know that I enjoy videogames, I don't claim that I do not enjoy them. I have been playing them since I was little. But I can also say that when I was little I only played at night because ole' Bonnie Windsor would not have a kid sitting inside all day during the summer. There were frogs to catch. I can also say that I did not have a gameboy until I bought one for myself in junior high for car trips. It absolutely infuriates me to see these kids walking through a store or sitting at a restaurant with their faces buried behind a game boy. I have honestly dreamt about slapping one out of a kid's hands and smashing it. These fucking parents are so goddamn selfish and lazy that they let a fucking game take care and entertain their kids. They refuse to do the job themselves so instead of talking with their child and entertaining the kid themselves, they simply let a game do it. Fuck you. I digress. Point being, is that it would not surprise me that children are simply unwilling to play any game because they are so used to just sitting around. And then we wonder about the increasing rate of child obesity.

2) The other thing that scares me about this article has nothing to do with the kids themselves because, by and large, they are not to blame. I instead am frightened by the parents and administrators that would allow this to happen.

It appears that we are starting to live in a world where, instead of trying to actually work things out with kids and actually parent them, we simply take things away and or give in. Tag is not a violent game and if kids are becoming violent in the game then you reprimand them, its that simple. But the answer that these authorities came up with is to ban the game. This again, shows what I perceive to be laziness with the parents and teachers. Lord knows that I am no parenting expert and I don't pretend that I will be a perfect parent when the time comes, but I do fancy myself to have some kind of common sense and general knowledge and I do think that I know SOME things about what is good for kids. I know that playing outside and playing games is good for kids. It fosters social interaction and builds social skills. I know that when the inevitable conflict does arise in these games, then it is good for the kid to work things out on their own and learn to resolve conflicts themselves. I know that simply taking things away from kids in a blanket ban on activity will not help to teach kids to learn boundaries and play by the rules, it will simply set them up to do things wrong in the next activity. These are all simple notions. I am frequently perplexed about the mindset of people, and quite frequently the way parents go about raising kids. Like I said, I am certainly no expert, but the things that boggle my mind are not things that require an expert knowledge, they simply require common sense. The other day I read an article about parents complaining that their childrens book bags were too heavy from schoolbooks and thus the article gave instructions on how to properly carry a backpack. That is pathetic. Everyone went through this when you were little and had to haul a heavy ass backpack home. Deal with it. Sure you might get tired but I guaren-fuckin-tee that it isn't going to cause any lasting back problems. And parents, shut the fuck up.

I could go on and on like this forever but frankly it will start to sound repetitive. I would like to think that when our generation starts to have children, we will see things like this and not fall prey to what I perceive to be the dominating parenting paradigm of complacency and laziness.

I can't wait to have kids. They are going to be awesome. And not pussies.

WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THIS CAN HAPPEN

2007-08-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

EAT SHIT AND DIE...SHIT, TOO LATE.

I love America, don't get me wrong. And I am sure that this is possible in a few other countries as well. But are you fucking kidding me? She left 12 million. To her dog. Not to charity. Not to benefit poverty and research. To her dog. A dog. Let me say that again. A FUCKING DOG. Last time I checked, dogs can't spend money. They don't have the mental compacity to understand a monetary system, nor do they have the intelligence required to transport themselves to places where they may purchase items. They are fucking animals. I hate this bitch so much. I hate the fact that our country allows this to happen. I hate the public mindset that this is a reasonable thing to do. This dog, this fuzzy little ugly white piece of shit faggot bitch mongrel now has more money than I will probably ever have in my life. Fuck you. fuck you. Fuck you. I wouldn't care if you died...AGAIN.

FUCK.

TRAGIC YET...

2007-08-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

Tanzania sorcerer dies in failed underwater spirit stunt

I really just posted this article because I didn't know it was possible to honestly achieve the title of "Sorcerer."

At least now I have a new goal in life.

Just a litte clarification.

2007-08-28T09:18:00.001-07:00

In case you don't want to actually watch the clip and instead wish to READ her response, here is a transcription of this poor girl's response:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

But man, look at that. I really can't be mad. In fact, I think I should make it my PERSONAL duty to help to tutor and educate this poor victimized young lady. All she really needs is guidance and attention and she will be quoting Shakespeare in no time.

South Carolina For the Win

2007-08-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

This is just...wow...simply wow...

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

2007-08-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

GO FUCK YOURSELF

This is the kind of shit from the Middle East that just boggles my mind. I try to be as understanding as I can and take everything into account when I read a story like this, but c'mon. I know that living in America I am sure that we only hear part of the story and the religious fantaticism reported is somewhat embellished (I imagine), yet there is no doubt that, in some many cases, people are just ridiculous over there. I quote:

"A US military spokesman said that the footballs were intended to be gifts for Afghan children adding: "Unfortunately, there was something on those footballs we didn't immediately understand to be offensive and we regret that."

A fucking gift you morons. Let the damn kids play with the soccer balls for shit sakes. I am beginning to think that they can take ANYTHING and twist it for their own agendas.

Bigot comment of the day: "Oh you don't like us dropping soccer balls as gifts for your children to play with? Very well. We'll just switch back to bombs then."

I WISH THERE WERE SOME DUDE ABOVE GOD SO I COULD HAVE THAT GUY BLESS JAPAN

2007-08-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

Something I thought I would share

2007-08-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

These days it seems that Saturday night live is really hit or miss. It has become apparent that the glory days of SNL are over and skits like Matt Foley Motivational Speaker, Bill Brasky, and Celebrity Jeopardy simply cannot be competed with these days. Though this is true, that isn't to say that SNL is completely crap either as can be evidenced by Lazy Sunday, the Natalie Portman rap, and Peyton Manning's United Way skit. Another skit that, though requiring a bit of pop culture and teen drama knowledge stands brilliantly above most of the other SNL misses. I refer you now to the source material for those who did not watch The OC:

Big moment in the show, made even more dramatic by what I thought was a masterful choice of music, Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek." Serious stuff that is completely trumped by what it spawned which was this little morsel of hilarity entitled "Dear Sister":

Simply fantastic. So good on its own yet made so much better by knowing the source behind it. In my internet wanderings I of course went to the all knowing and omnipotent master of internet entertainment, Youtube. A simple search for "Dear Sister" yields a bevy of spinoffs and parodies such as:

So as you can see, that song works anywhere. Sometimes legitimately, most times hilariously. Eventually I find myself watching things like this:

These are the kinds of things that I watch. I laugh at. And then I wonder whether or not I may be retarded and if not, do I have a brain and if so, what is it doing. Oh well. Laughing is good for you so who cares what makes you laugh.

Hi, I'm Chris Hansen...

2007-08-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

"Blah Blah Blah, award winning movie, independent film yadda yadda yadda stunning performances and riveting drama yeah yeah yeah...WAIT HOLY SHIT DID I JUST SEE HERMIONE GRAINGER SAY THAT SHE'S A SEX ADDICT?!"

Thats about exactly what happened when I saw this trailer. Go for the snitch Harry.

YATTA!!!!

2007-08-19T12:51:00.001-07:00

Honestly, without Japanese game shows, I think there would be half as many internet videos.

The challenge where they have to run across the rolling log type things is fucking priceless and comedic gold every time.

This is just so fantastic.

2007-08-13T15:24:00.001-07:00

I continue to curse the Heavens for taking this off the air.

YOUT GOTTA DO THE COOKING BY THE BOOK

2007-08-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

One thing that I am really looking forward to with having my own place and everything, is the opportunity to experiment with cooking. Cooking is something I have always enjoyed and thus am really pumped about the fact that I will be able to do so readily without anyone to judge me when I fuck up. I am really going to experiment with all kinds of things its goona be great. I found this video online which features the Director of Sin City teaching you how to make breakfast tacos, which look AMAZING. Here:

Thats the good shit. I also came across this short little tidbit randomly and it made me laugh out loud. God Bless British humor:

In conclusion, cooking is gonna rock.

BULLSHIT

2007-08-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE BULLSHIT IS THIS CRAP

Well, congratulations Universe. This is most horseshit thing I have ever read in my life. In case you don't feel like reading the article, short story shorter, they are going to pay a bunch of Arizona kids $25 bucks a week to...wait for it....wait for it...STAY IN SCHOOL. You have got to be fucking kidding me. What is this bullshit? I really don't see how they can justify doing this. You are supposed to stay in school because it is 100% a good idea for your future. I would love to see the statistics for "% of kids who stay in school vs. % of kids who drop out" because I'm pretty sure that it is staggeringly skewed in the direction of kids who DON'T DROP OUT. Here's an idea, why don't you show these kids statistics and facts about the quality of life in the future for dropouts vs. non-dropouts and force them to use fucking logic and common sense. Wait, no, bad idea. Let's just PAY THEM to do what EVERYONE else is already doing for free. Fuck that bullshit.

Excerpt:
"To get the money, the kids have to stay out of trouble and keep their grades up... Kids like Cassandra Hardin."I can get money for doing what I'm already doing."

"I think a lot of kids see the rap stars and all the money they make and think if they drop out of school they can be like that," he says. His big message: stay in school."

GO FUCK YOURSELF. You have got to be kidding me. Instead of just using money, why don't these areas focus on educating the kids not only on the schoolwork, but about the realities of life. Like the reality that, YOU PROBABLY AREN'T GOING TO BE A RAPSTAR SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO CLASS YOU IDIOT SHIT. These are not hard concepts to wrap your head around. I mean, is this how the mindset goes, "I am going to drop out and work at my uncle's gas station until the magical rap fairy grants me not only the skills to rap but also a record deal. Until then, refills are 39 cents sir." How hard is it to realize that, if you finish high school, you can at least fall back on that. Ugh.

All Hail "The Onion"

2007-08-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

Once again proving itself to be one of the greatest publications that humanity has ever seen, "The Onion" had this to say about the "Bratz" movie:

"Bratz's strong anti-clique sermonizing would be slightly more convincing if it weren't tethered to a movie romanticizing the most awesome clique ever. Apparently cliques are evil unless they involve people with different passions, in which case they're, like, totally tubular. It would be hard to find another film that so nakedly, unambiguously celebrates the cancers of contemporary culture, from rampant consumerism to new-technology mania to the tarting-up of teen girls to bubblegum pop to My Super Sweet 16. Finally, a movie it'd almost be disrespectful not to text your BFFs during. (Suggested message: "OMG this movie iz da bomb. LOL! Az if!!!") This is why the terrorists hate us."

I honestly couldn't have said it better myself. The line in bold is so fantastic it makes me want to cry. I hate this shit.

This is What Hell Looks Like

2007-08-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, something comes along that is just so insanely ridiculous and rage inducing that it causes me to ponder and contemplate the collective values and general mind set of our society (especially our media) in general. Showing great restraint and mainly doing myself a favor, I am choosing at this point not to address my specific feelings on the particular entity that I refer to in the previous sentence, mainly because I am in a pretty good mood and this conjuration of hell will not be ruining my current demeanor yet again. I am of course referring to that which represents, in my humble opinion, 85% of everything wrong with certain aspects of our society and a source of "entertainment" that boggles my mind everytime I see it. I, with great difficulty (for I feel dirty even writing the name), call to the stand, MTV's "My Super Sweet 16." There is so much wrong with this show that it makes my head spin. But enough of that. I just thought that I would let folks know that this exists:

YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. HOW DID THIS GET GREENLIT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? I SERIOUSLY DON'T GET IT.

I have to, in some weird way, feel sorry for the parents because they have to deal with and try and manage the mindset that is promoted by this sort of television. But then again, if they flat out refused to support it in any way, maybe the media and entertainment industry would see it as a failure and stop producing it. touche. Fuck it. I hate MTV.

I really wish Successories made HALF the fake ones that see online.

2007-08-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

Fuckin' otters keep up this shit then they are going to be looking like pugs a short distance down the evolutionary chain.

WE'RE GOING TO THE DOG PARK!!!!!!!11111

2007-08-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

If you can watch this without laughing, then congratu-fucking-lations, I guess you are better than me. I have to give props to Ms. Nicole Buch for showing me this. The mystery as to why pug's faces are the way they are is thus solved by this video.

I'm really just doing this so I can look at these at any time.

2007-08-02T14:37:00.001-07:00

I can't believe this this never actually got made. Another testament to my mad MSpaint skillz.

I'm good at MSpaint

2007-08-02T14:27:00.001-07:00

I am simply the best at designing t-shirts on MSpaint. Though I graduated, I still thought it my duty to lend my skillz to my Fraternity to design a t-shirt. I am proud.

Why We Hate Robots.

2007-08-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

This whole entry revolves around a really intriguing article I came across on Wikipedia. It all started with an article on Slate.com that I found to be very enlightening. The article was essentially a defense of Scientology, by a non-Scientologist that simply asks one to look at the facts of Scientology alongside the facts of other organized religion. The main idea of the article can pretty much be summed up by the following passage:

"Given his frequent conflation of science fiction, theology, and incoherent musings, I think that Hubbard may have taught that eons ago, the galactic warlord Xenu dumped 13.5 trillion beings in volcanoes on Earth, blowing them up and scattering their souls. But I'm not sure that it is an important part of Scientology's teachings. And if Xenu is part of the church's theology, it's no stranger than what's in Genesis. It's just newer and so seems weirder."

Now, I am not endorsing Scientology or some of its supposed practices, from what I can tell, it sounds simply bat-shit insane. But the article forces you to look at things a different way, a notion that I strongly support.

This lead to referencing a Freudian idea known as "narcissism of small differences" which basically says that we...you know what, you can read about it if you want:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism_of_small_differences

This idea led to an idea about Robotics known as the "Uncanny Valley." You would not immediately think that Freud and robotics were in any way related but if you choose to read the article you will see how intimate the two could become. Thus, upon reading about Freud I came across this idea of the "Uncanny Valley"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_valley

I found this extremely interested for whatever reason and strongly recommend that you check it out. It is very short but it presents some really cool ideas that, given the rapid advances in technology and thus robotics, could become important at some point. Once again, my free time at work has led to some very random discoveries. God Bless Wikipedia.

Also the article gives evidence to why we hate robots ASIDE from the FACT that they will one day take us over.

I Did this today. This is Me. And my pig.

2007-07-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

Damn it all.

2007-07-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

Ok. So everyone knows Pachelbel's Canon. If you have ever been to a wedding you have heard it. Its melodic and nice and lite and flowing. But its overused. Thats why when I get married I am having this:

This guy rocks so hardcore. And also, I really could give a shit if my wedding is beautiful or not. My wife is going to look smokin', I am 100% going to get laid that night, and its going to be me and all my closest friends and family getting drunk so I might as well rock the fuck out while i do it. Everyone needs to stop being so serious about weddings. They should be AWESOME the entire time. Hell, even the ceremony should rock. I want to have the antithesis of that stupid horseshit "Bridezilla" crap. I would shoot myself if I was marrying a chick like that.

Another problem with Pachelbel that I have recently discovered:

Oh lord, its everywhere and you didn't evenk now it.

USA USA USA

2007-07-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

America baby.

2007-07-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

I really don't think this video will EVER get old.

DEAR SWEET LORD.

2007-07-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

THE OTHER DAY I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO AN ASIAN CHICK WHAT "VOWELS" WERE.

What NOT to do.

2007-07-27T11:46:00.001-07:00

So, this is going to be a more traditional blog post just because its Friday, I'm hungover, and have come to the realization that coming in to work hungover is, all in all not THAT bad, but less than ideal. I will give evidence to support my claim. Mostly being hungover manifests itself in the more traditional ways of just feeling like crap and wanting to go back to bed. These feelings are stereotypical hangover symptoms are of course present but it is the finer points of my actions that lead me to the conclusion that I may want to avoid this state of mind at work. When hungover (as anyone who lived with me at F-City can attest to by referencing by typical Sunday afternoon actions) my IQ plummets and my level of retardation skyrockets. This tends to lend itself well to making me look like a jackass to my coworkers. The following things have occured as a result of my acohol addled brain:

1) I think outloud. This really isnt a problem until you start singing the "Space Jam" theme song, the "Bagel Bites" theme song, "Girlfriend" by Avril, wonder what ever happened to Surge the soda, and a variety of other severly inane things.

2) I fall asleep while my partner is still calibrating his subjects eye tracker (because I am a balla and can straight calibrate the shit out of some motha fuckin eye trackaz) causing one of the programmers to wake me up by making snoring sounds. Also my partner laughs outloud at me because my head falls back comically.

3) I give your partner looks of disgust and disbelief at ANYTHING the subjects do that isn't completely normal and typical.

4) I openly make fun of subjects outloud when they are right in the next room with the door open.

5) I run into the door frame as I am walking into the flight sim room and then also run into a subjects leg.

6) I say retarded ass shit upon a successful calibration such as "YAHTZEE" "Booyah" "Fuckin Sweet" or "Holla" This is a big problem because the sessions are recorded so that they can be reviewed later by tape, thus all my comments will be reviewed.

...and a new one today and my personal favorite

8) I referred to mine and my partner's early attempts at setting up the eye trackers as "two retards poking around with a stick" something tells me that the scientific community my frown upon language like that, but my partner seemed to enjoy it.

Those are just a few examples of why I shouldn't come to work hungover. Even when not hungover, I find myself hoping every day "Damn, I really hope the girls that are coming in today are hot" at which point when they aren't I am disappointed and already put in a worse mood than if they would just give me a break and schedule a couple of models who like to do experiments in bikinis and also need to makeout with eachother for comfort.

I am seriously considering doing my own dinner announcements to Sororities when I start recruiting people for projects because, lets face it, science is science, subjects are subjects, and I may as well be experimenting on hot college girls and not asians. unless they are hot asians. thats cool.

God this site is great

2007-07-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan is hot and she has big boobs, so I'm naturally inclined to trust her, but she needs to shut the hell up for a while. People magazine says:

Asked by TV's Access Hollywood late Tuesday if there was anything the actress, 21, wanted "to get out there" about the charges against her, Lohan responded:
"Yes. I am innocent ... did not do drugs they're not mine."
Amid reports from police that they had received a 911 call from the mother of Lohan's former personal assistant, saying that Lohan was chasing her in an SUV, Lohan also said in her email, "I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom."
Police found Lohan and the woman in a "heated debate" in the parking lot of Santa Monica's Civic Auditorium at about 1:30 a.m., according to Santa Monica police Lt. Alex Padilla.
Lohan concluded her brief message with, "I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

What does that even mean? "I'm innocent"? Of what? Sorcery? Because you sure as hell were driving drunk with cocaine in your pocket. Police only frame black people. You did that shit.

Random ass Shiiat

2007-07-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

I think that I may just start using this thing to remember and catalogue my favorite www.wwtdd.com tidbits, as in, the stuff he says about celebrities because holy shit they are fucking great.

Of Catherine Zeta Jones:

The Daily Mail says today that Catherine Zeta-Jones washes her hair with truffles and Beluga caviar flown in from Iran and credits this lavish treatment for keeping her hair shiny. The Mail says:

At 400 dollars a time, just for the fish eggs, looking good does not come cheap.
The Beluga caviar is apparently flown in from Iran five days ahead of her treatments at a beauty salon in South Kensington.
"Catherine discovered the caviar treatment last summer and was astounded by the difference it made to her hair," said a source.
"She has an incredibly rich and vibrant natural hair colour but the creamy, almost oily nature of caviar really brings this out, making the colour even richer and making it so much more glossy.
Miss Zeta-Jones's hair is washed with a truffle-based shampoo, then smeared with the caviar, which is combed through and left to set.

What a difference this must make. Before the treatment, her hair is brown. After the treatment, her hair is brown and pelicans attack her as she walks down the street. Where should we throw our money away next!

Of Fergie:

Josh Duhamel is starring in "Transformers" which just made 246 million dollars worldwide in its first week of release and his girlfriend Fergie just played the main stage at Live Earth in London this weekend, so life must be perfect for these two, right? Uhh…

"Every night at around 11 p.m., someone pulls up in front of their home in L.A., rolls down the car windows and plays 'London Bridge' really loud," a pal of the couple laughs.

It's probably someone paid by Josh to interrupt right when Fergie thinks she's about to get laid. God knows I'd paid any amount. It would be "London Bridge" one night, police helicopters the next, then I'd have a guy dressed as Bigfoot go through the garbage, then someone would call saying I have cancer. Whatever it takes. Poor Josh. Fergie probably steps out from the bathroom, back lit, wearing a bra and panties, thinkin she's all hot but really she looks like a gremlin made out of leather, and Josh is frantically pushing a button under the end table to signal the dude to play the song. "Aww damn baby, I better go see what that commotion is. This may take several dozen hours…"

Of Danielle Radcliffe:

Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe says he has no problem having sex with girls who only care about him because he's famous. He says:

"Girls who want to go out with me just because I'm famous has never been a problem. I'm 17. I don't care. Obviously, if I wanted a deep and meaningful relationship then I wouldn't want to be going out with somebody who is only with me because I'm an actor, but if you don't a relationship like that then it's fine."

Aww you son of a bitch. I wanna kill this fuckin kid. I couldn't get a fruit roll-up when I was 17, much less get used for sex. I guess in hindsight, his plan of becoming a famous and wealthy actor was a better plan for seducing girls than mine, which mostly included pulling up my pants and apologizing. That was followed by me begging her not to tell and crying.

Of Lindsay Lohan:

Lindsay Lohan was arrested at 2:15am this morning in Santa Monica for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. TMZ says her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13. .08 is considered legally drunk in the state of California. Lindsay, of course, left rehab just 8 days ago. ABC in LA says:

The Santa Monica Police Department tells Eyewitness News, Lohan was taken into custody near the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium along Pico and Main early Tuesday morning.
She's currently still at the Santa Monica Police Station. Bail has been set for $25,000

Jesus, this chick is like Jesse James. She's a one-man crime spree. They probably had to stop charging her with things because they ran out of ink. I bet if they searched some more they'd find bald eagles in her trunk and enriched uranium in her purse.

Dear Lord I love that site.

2007-07-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, this is a list I am actually proud of. This took me over an hour at work to compile and was going to be a lot shorter but I got carried away. Initially, it started off as a list of my favorite movie monologues. And though it still is that list, I was going to try and just do the ones I could remember and them copy them from online. Upon looking for quotes, I came across websites that reminded me of other sweet monologues and the list just grew. Though it is rather long, it is a fucking sweet list and every one of the quotes is enjoyable for one reason or another (in my opinion). Though I guarentee I have forgotten some and encourage input and reminders, this list is pretty solid. Here it is:

My Top 30 Movie Monologues

1) V for Vendetta: V's V speech

"V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villian by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. (he carves a "V" into a sign) The only verdict is vengence; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. (giggles) Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

2) V for Vendetta: V addresses the public

"V: Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of the everyday routine, the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration - whereby those important events of the past, usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, are celebrated with a nice holiday - I thought we could mark this November the fifth, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat.
There are, of course, those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now orders are being shouted into telephones and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there?
Cruelty and injustice...intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance, coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those who are more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable. But again, truth be told...if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War. Terror. Disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you and in your panic, you turned to the now High Chancellor Adam Sutler. He promised you order. He promised you peace. And all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night, I sought to end that silence. Last night, I destroyed the Old Bailey to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago, a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice and freedom are more than words - they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you, then I would suggest that you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek...then I ask you to stand beside me, one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament. And together, we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever, be forgot!"

3) Any Given Sunday: Peace with inches

"Tony D'Amato: I don't know what to say really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives, all comes down to today. Now either we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play -- till we're finished. We're in hell right now gentleman. Believe me. And we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back, into the light. We can climb out of hell, one inch at a time.
Now I can't do it for you, I'm too old. I look around I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I made every wrong choice a middle aged man can make. I, uh, I pissed away all my money, believe it or not, I chased off anyone who's ever loved me, and lately I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.
Y'know when you get old in life things get taken from you, I mean that's that's that's part of life. But you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, and so is football. Because in either game, life or football, the margin for error is so small, I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it, one half second to slow or to fast, you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break in the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches that's going to make the fucking difference between winning and losing. Between livin' and dying. I'll tell you this in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die who's gonna win that inch , and I know that if I'm going to have any life anymore it's because I'm still willin to fight and die for that inch. Because that's what livin is. The six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You gotta look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now, I think you're gonna see a guy who will go that inch with you. You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you're going to do the same for him.
That's a team gentlemen and either we heal now as a team or we will die as individuals. That's football guys. That's all it is. Now, What are you going to do?"

4) Independence Day: USA Rallies the World

"President Thomas Witmore: Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"

5) Fight Club: Tyler Durden is pissed

"Tyler: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

6) Addams Family Values: Wednesday at the Thanksgiving play

"Wednesday Addams: Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims. And especially do not trust Sarah Miller. For all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground."

7) Boondock Saints: Courtroom Code

Connor/Murphy: Now you will receive us. We do not ask for your poor or your hungry. We do not want your tired and sick. It is your corrupt we claim. It is your evil that will be saught by us. With every breath we shall hunt them down. Each day we will spill their blood 'til it rains down from the skies. Do not kill, do not rape, to not steal. These are principles, which every man of every faith can embrace. These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost. There are varying degrees of evil. We urge you lesser forms of filth not to push the bounds and cross over into true corruption, into our domain. But if you do you, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three, and on that day, you will reap it. And we will send you to whatever god you wish. And shepherds we shall be, for thee my Lord for thee, power hath descended forth from thy hand, that our feet may swiftly ca! rry out thy command. We shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. [Latin: In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.]

8) Braveheart: Motivator

"Wallace: I AM William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my country men, here, in defiance of tyranny. You've come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight? Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!"

9) Galdiator: Introduction

"Maximus: [removes helmet and turns around to face Commodus] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

10) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure: Jock's Report

"Ox: [Delivering a history report] Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!"

11) Dogma: Bartleby's Angelic Displeasure

"Bartleby: Then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship... and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it's pained me... As I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way he made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain. Like they do. But no! We're servants! Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given Paradise -- they threw it away. They were given this planet -- they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe he exists. And in spite of it all... He hath shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... Once, to lay down the sword, because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! Where was his infinite fucking patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time... Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that... I... I think we may have to dispatch our-our would be dispatchers.

12) Donnie Darko: Owning a motivational speaker

"Donnie Darko: Are you telling us this stuff so we can buy your book? Because I gotta tell you, if you are, that was some of the worst advice I've ever heard. Do you want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating Twinkies, and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. It takes a little while to find that out. Right, Jim? And you… yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well you know what, maybe you should lift some weights or take a karate lesson . And the next time he tries to do it, you kick him in the balls."

13) Forrest Gump: To Jenny

"Forrest: You died on a Saturday morning, and I had you placed here, under our tree. And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. Mama always said dying was a part of life. I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. 'Bout to start school again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth everyday. Teaching him how to play ping-pong. He's really good. We fish a lot. And everynight we read a book- and he's so smart Jenny. You'd be so proud of him, I am. He, uh, wrote you a letter, but he says I can't read it, I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Jenny, I don't know if Mama's right or if its Lieutenant Dan, I don't know if we each have a destiny or if we're all floating around accidental, like on a breeze. But I think maybe its both, maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away."

14) Good Will Hunting: Owning an employer

"Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at the N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people that I never met and that I never had no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. They're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's walking to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the schrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorroids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure, fuck it, while I'm at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."

15) Good Will Hunting: Will Getting Owned

"Sean: So if I asked you about art you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? (beat) You know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seen that.....If I asked you about women you'd probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. I ask you about war, and you'd probably--uh--throw Shakespeare at me, right? "Once more into the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love y'probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone could level you with her eyes. Feeling like! God put an angel on earth just for you...who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel and to have that love for her to be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sittin' up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you; I don't see an intelligent, confident man; I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine and you ripped my fuckin' life apart. You're an orphan right? (Will nods) Do you think I'd know the first thing about how hard ! your life has been, how you feel, who you are because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. And I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you, sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief. (Sean stands and walks away.)"

16) Good Will Hunting: Will owning an Ivy League prick

"Will: You're a first year grad student. You just got finished reading some Marxian Historian, Pete Garrison probably. You're gonna' be convinced of that until next month when you get to James Lemon, then you're gonna' be talking about how the economies of Virginia and Pennsylvania were entrepreneurial and capitalist way back in 1740. That's gonna' last until next year, you're gonna' be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood, talking about ya know, the Pre-Revolutionary utopia and the capital forming effects of military mobilization. (interrupting) Wood drastically... Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth. You got that from Vickers. "Work in Essex County", page 98, right? Yeah, I read that too. Were you going to plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or do you, is that you thing, you come into a bar, you read some obscure passage, and then pretend, you pawn it off as your own, as your own idea just to impress some girl and embarrass my friend? You see, the sad thing about a guy like you is that in 50 years, you're gonna start doing some thinking on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life. One: don't do that. And two: you dropped a 150 grand on a fuckin' education you could have gotten for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library."

17) Kill Bill: O'Ren has some words

"O-Ren Ishii: As your leader, I encourage you to -- from time to time and always in a respectful manner -- to question my logic. If you're unconvinced a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so. But allow me to convince you. And I will promise you, right here and now, no subject will be taboo ... except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or my American heritage as a negative is, I collect your fucking head. (holds up a decapitated head) Just like this fucker here. Now if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME!! ... I didn't think so."

18) Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Minstrel song

"Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin, brough forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to being mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes carved out, and his elbows broken. To have his knee cut split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis..."

19) O' Brother Where Art Thou: Prelude

"Blind Seer: You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek. But first... first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril. Mm-hmm. You shall see thangs, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... a cow... on the roof of a cottonhouse, ha. And, oh, so many startlements. I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation."

20) The Shawshank Redemption: Red's parole hearing

"Red: Rehabilitated? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means ... I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it's just a made-up word. A politician's word, sonny. Young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did? ... There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here. Because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then. A young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I wanna talk to him. I wanna try to talk some sense to him. Tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man's all that's left. I gotta live with that. Rehabilitated? That's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because, to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit."

21) Silence of the Lambs: Lector picks apart Clarice

"Lecter: You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste... Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you - Officer Starling...? That accent you're trying so desperately to shed - pure West Virginia. What was your father, dear? Was he a coal miner? Did he stink of the lamp...? And oh, how quickly the boys found you! All those tedious, sticky fumblings, in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere. Getting all the way - to the F...B...I."

22) Tommy Boy: Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman

"Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales, let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Lets say I go into someguy's office and lets say he's even remotely intrested in buyin' something. Well then I get all excited, I'm like JoJo, the Indian circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you. So, I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe, I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go (tears dinner roll apart) chhhhhhhh, chhhhhhhhh, OOOOHHHHHHH. I KILLED IT! I KILLED MY SALE! That's when I blow it. That's when people like us have got to forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?"

23) Wedding Crashers: On blind dating

"Jeremy: (sigh) Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested but I'm not really interested, or should I play like I'm interested, but I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like, well goodnight. You do like that ass-out hug where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close. Do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering, are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair."

24) Tyler Durden: A warning

"Tyler: [to the police chief] Hi. You're going to call off your rigorous investigation. You're going to publicly state that there is no underground group. Or... these guys are going to take your balls. They're going to send one to the New York Times, one to the LA Times press-release style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... fuck with us."

25) Kill Bill: Kiddo has some words

"Kiddo: No. No. To get even? Even-Steven? I would have to kill you, go up to Nikki's room, kill her, then wait for your husband to come home, and kill him. That would be even, Verntia. That'd be about square."

26) Kill Bill: Kiddo's thoughts

"Kiddo: Bitch, you can stop right there. Just because I have no wish to murder you before the eyes of your daughter, does not mean parading her around in front of me is going to inspire sympathy. You and I have unfinished business. And not a goddamn fuckin' thing you've done in the subsequent four years, including getting knocked up, is going to change that."

27) Kill Bill 2: Bill's thoughts

"Bill: As you know, l'm quite keen on comic books. Especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favorite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book. Not particularly well-drawn. But the mythology... The mythology is not only great, it's unique. Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn't become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears - the glasses, the business suit - that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He's weak... he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race. Sorta like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plimpton.

28) Kill Bill 2: Bill's explanation

"Bill: [slightly drunk] When you didn't come back, I naturally assumed that Lisa Wong or somebody else had killed you. Oh, and for the record, letting someone think that someone they love is dead when they're not is quite cruel. I mourned you for three months. And in the third month of mourning you... I tracked you down. Now, I wasn't trying to track you down. I was trying to track down the fucking assholes who I thought killed you. So, I find you. And what do I find? Not only are you not dead, you're getting married to some fucking jerk and you're pregnant. I... overreacted."

29) Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack appeals to Will

"Jack:The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?"

30) Forrest Gump: Poetic simplicity

"Forrest: Yes. Well, I-I don't know. Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out... and then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou. There was always a million sparkles on the water... like that mountain lake. It was so clear, Jenny, it looked like there were two skies one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up, I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began. It's so beautiful."

All it takes is the first idea

2007-07-05T14:18:00.001-07:00

Usually, I am sitting there and one idea comes into my mind. I then may laugh out loud at my own idea and start thinking of others. This is how these dumb lists come to be. Plus, they give me something to do that takes up my time while at work as I think of things to put on the list. This list started with just a single idea and evolved from there. It is: "Movies that I Want to be Made" Some of these are serious, some of them ridiculous, all of them I would go see in theatres.

Movies That I Want To Be Made

1) Air Bud 9: UFC: Ultimate Fighting Canine

2) Alien vs. Predator vs. Robocop vs. Terminator vs. Neo vs. Velociraptors.
-I didn't come up with this one but its too hilarious to leave out.

3) Americas Funniest Home Videos: The Movie

4) Thunderflump: The Movie about fat people falling down and falling from sort of high places.

5) Survivor
-based on the Palahniuk novel

6) G.I. Joe

7) The Legend of Zelda

8) A 2 and 1/2 hour compilation of Arrested Development clips

9) America
-I don't really know what this would be about but it would be about how awesome America is

10) Godzilla vs. the Nazis

11) William Wallace and Maximus Fight an Evil Wizard

12) Heather Graham, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlotte Johansson, and Heidi Klum star in :Bikini Pool Pillow Fight also, they make out.

13) American Gods
-based on the Nail Gaiman novel

14) 5 Fast 5 Furious: Tractor Pull Time

15) The Adventures of Bill Brasky

List #1

2007-07-03T14:14:00.001-07:00

Well, even though I stated yesterday that this blog would depart from my original intention of just making and typing up lists of random stuff, it does appear that the original purpose will at least at first remain intact. As I was checking my facebook today (something I find myself doing quite regularly for simply want of things to do) I read again Mr. Nate Webers statement that his goal for the weekend is to get me to say the phrase, "Hey, you can't shit there." As I read this statement again, I started thinking about other hilarious things that one could hear and that evolved into the beginnings of my first list, which is, "Sentences that I want to hear at some point in my life." In no particular order of preference or importance and definitely not all being directed at me:

Sentences That I Would Like To Hear At Some Point In My Life:

1) "Hey, you can't shit there."
-so simple and yet so hilarious, props of course must go to Mr. Partyboy.

2) "I'm sorry sir, we here at _______ don't recognize _______ as a service animal."
-someone is trying to bring some hilarious animal into a store. For starters, sub in "Best Buy" and "Raccoons" or "Dicks Sporting Goods" and "the Wallaby" for hilarity.

3) "Well for Christ sake, he had to have eaten it first to puke it up!"
-First off, projectile vomiting is always funny. Second, something is found in the puke that prompts you to reflect on the fact that they must have eaten it at some point.

4) "Holy hell I thought they were extinct."
-whatever they are talking about was thought gone, but its not. Think dinosaurs or the dodo bird.

5) "I mean, I've seen them pick up dollar bills off the stage but a fucking softball!?"

6) "Yeah we didn't think the basketball could actually catch on fire either."
-think Super Nintendo.

7) "Did you hear? They are remaking Final Fantasy VII."
-for my fellow nerd.

8) "So I looked up into the tree and there sat the fucking king of the jungle."
-lol Grandma's boy

9) "Yeah those Atlantians are just a bunch of assholes."

10) "In a private interview, the deranged cosmonaut proclaimed that he truly only wanted to be a space man so he could settle a bet and defecate in the space suit."

11) "5 to 1 odds that Lohan takes out Hilton within 4 rounds."
-if the media is going to cover these bitches, then they might as well cover a death match.

12) "Starting in September [Arrested Development Season 4] or [Dead Like Me Season 3].
-some of these are just wishes

13) "They're lying, like anyone could even throw a pig that far."

14) "Yeah, I liked it better when ostriches COULDN'T fly."

15) "No, turtle shells do not count as shoes."

This will probably have a sequel. I love making lists.

WTF?

2007-07-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

Ok well, this is something that I have been wanting to do for a while but just never got around to doing it. I suppose I need to thank Dave for putting the idea in the forefront of my thoughts with the recent addition of his blog to his AIM profile (a thing habitually checked and never really looked at) and also the free time I now have as a result of being at work at Beckman with little to do thus far. Initially I intended to start a blog that would simply be a collection of lists that I had formulated in my mind. These lists would be about completely random subjects that my bored ass mind would just think of from time to time and while I have no doubt that some of these lists will indeed be recorded I cannot pretend or mislead anyone into thinking that this blog will only serve the list making purposes. Whether anyone reads this dumb thing or not is not my concern, rather it will serve as a sort of public journal to get my thoughts out so I personally don't forget things (though I do hope someone finds themselves entertained with my idle musings). So, that being said I am going to post this first things and check this crap out for myself.